Sex

Where would the human race be without it? I'll show you where:



That's right. Now ponder this weary viewers: porn is a robot. Think about it, the systems that are currently in place, like the internet, and every kid ever having private access to the internet because of laptops and negligent parents, provide imitations of human behavior. PORN!

Enter James Gunn, the genius behind "Slither," which, by the way, is showing tonight at midnight at the Student Life Cinema.

“How many times have you been watching a great porn film - you’re really enjoying the story, the acting, the cinematography - when, all of the sudden, they ruin everything with PEOPLE HAVING SEX?” Gunn said on pgporn.tv.

That's right, James and his brothers Brian and Sean have created porn without the porn. It gets better, for the ladies and the gentlemen.

Episode 1 stars Nathon Fillion. And starring next to the male talent in these webisodes are the leading ladies of real porn (why bother mentioning names, you wouldn't recognize anything but their tits anyway).

Five episodes have been made to date and the first one is already up. Seriously, go check it out now. Oh, you're gonna do it later? You're so lazy, that's why I'm hooking you up with the video right here on the blog. Check out pgporn.tv for more.


Nailing Your Wife

Jesus Christ...is this necessary?

The Childcare Action Project (known on the streets as CAP...as in "I'll bust a CAP in yo' ass") has taken it upon themselves to tell the movie industry how much they suck at morality. This website is run by a "non-profit" Christian ministry that runs solely on funding by those who are morally insecure enough to assume they owe it to God and the children to keep this website up. The basic idea of it consists of some guy, Thomas A. Carder, watching movies and rating them based on a point scale made up of 6 criterion: Wanton violence/crime, Impudence/Hate, Sexual Immorality, Drugs/Alcohol, Offense to God, Murder/Suicide, which happen to spell out WISDOM. Each film is scored out of 100 and points are removed for each WISDOM offense. Here's an example:

The most intriguing part about this website, however, is their audacity to actually refrain from fully viewing a movie due to it's abhorrent themes. For example, The Birdcage: "I could not justify spending the time and effort necessary to do a complete analysis of The Birdcage.  After 25 minutes of the show I had one and a half recording logs of homosexual suggestions and activities. There were other examples of unacceptable material, but none so thick as homosexuality. I apologize if you were expecting to see a complete review of The Birdcage, but there are some things I can stand, and some things I cannot stand -- this movie was "cannot." It was glorification of homosexualtiy, pure and simple. Great scott!! Robin Williams, the voice of Genie in Aladdin who said "I love you too, Al" and acting with children in Jumanji was right there on the screen kissing on other men! I am aware of Williams' use of foul language and sexual material in some movies, but whodda thought? It may be illegal in Canada and other countries to speak out against homosexuality, but not in America. Not yet, at least. No...I am not a homophobe. I do not fear or hate the homosexual, I just hate homosexuality. My suggestion is...don't watch this movie." 

And thus, instead of simply not mentioning The Birdcage, the author of this glorious website informed us that he himself didn't even watch the movie in full and yet he is capable of giving us an analysis of its moral adequacy. I think anyone who uses the phrase "Great Scott!!" in any context outside of personal internal dialogue is morally inept in one way or another. 

The hands down best part about this website, though is the "Baby Miracle" series (volumes 1-3) and how somehow, one portrayal of a biblical story is morally superior to another. For instance, volume 1: The Story of Creation scored a whopping perfect score of 100 complete with a side note from the author, "By the way, that adorable little girl on the cover of the boxart looks exactly like one of our adopted daugthers." The misspelling of the word daughters and the italic "exactly" help me to imagine Thomas squealing for joy as he marks a red A+ on this cinematic masterpiece if only because the boxart reminds him of his adopted child who serves as his own personal conscience cleanser. Ok, now here's the best part...volume 3: Jonah and the Whale, received a 97 which is 3 points less than volume 1. Here's what Thomas had to say: 

Wanton Violence/Crime (W)

cartoon character being swallowed by a whale 

Impudence/Hate (I)

Jonah disobeying God 

Really? The cartoon character was swallowed by a whale? And Jonah disobeyed God? Holy shit! We can't show this to our children!! What if they learn from the mistakes of others?! The nerve of the Baby Miracle Learning Company for quoting the bible directly and telling a biblical story exactly the way it should be told! How immoral! 3 demerits! 

This website is literally a joke. I mean, I will be the first person in line to defend this guy's right to free speech but I've got to vent about how ridiculous this is. You simply can not just stamp a film moral or immoral (especially if you don't even watch the whole thing). Besides, wasn't it Jesus who said "turn the other cheek"? If you don't like it, don't watch it. There is absolutely no need to make an entire website about it. 

Here's the link in case you're interested in checking it out...or making a donation...

Childcare Action Project (CAP)

My Winnipeg: Fact or fiction?

My Winnipeg is a one of a kind film, a rarity, even among those that we classify as art films. Like most of the director's works - My Winnipeg was shot in a style that resembles silent era filmmaking. The black and white cinematography and the graininess of 35 mm celluloid gives the film a sort of eerie feel, a nightmarish quality that perfectly fits the theme of the Guy Maddin's work. My Winnipeg is the perfect title for a film about the director's own reflections on his hometown. This is not the audience's Winnipeg, this is Guy Maddin's Winnipeg -

a town that is covered by snow and where people constantly sleepwalk.
My Winnipeg is a "Chris Marker like" essay film, a dream sequence, a documentary and most importantly an experiment, in which the director tries to reenact chapters of his own childhood while super imposing them with surreal episodes of Winnipeg's bizarre history - whether they are true or not. The parts of the film that I found to be the most fascinating are his childhood reenactments, in which the director used "his own mother" (Anne Savage) and a group of bad amateur actors to play out his mother's manipulative ways. The film might be hard for those who don't have much of an attention span, but it still a pretty entertaining fare. Guy Maddin's film, though a bit selfish, is a must see, not only because it is good, but because something of this sort only comes out once in a long while.